evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
