i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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