Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
