i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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