If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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