she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
