He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
