Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize