just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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