I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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