I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
