I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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