There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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