i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
