How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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