Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
third nipple confirmed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
