You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
