my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
