Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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