last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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