This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
