if i can run in heels then i can drive
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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