My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I smell stomach acid.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Randomize
