foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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