You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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