The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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