That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
