I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
