Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
