wakey wakey hands off snakey
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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