Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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