My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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