Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
