How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
