you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
