Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
