quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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