I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
how drunk are you?
Several
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
