his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
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Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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