I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize