just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
