There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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