Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
