Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
