So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
