someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
