just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
