So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
