Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
