He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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