come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
