Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
