I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
