Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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